So for the month of July I got to experience a new category. Working Single Mom. As I mentioned in the previous post Jacob was in LA, from July 1st-August 2nd for graduate school. Leaving Charlie, and me in humid St. Louis for a full month. Everyone asked how I was doing, with few exceptions I always said that "we were fine" or "we're making it- just eating a lot of ice cream..." and I truly believed it. What is the alternative? You really don't have one when you have a hungry, tired, two year old looking at you. You have to be fine. I simply did what most good German's do when they are overwhelmed, I put my head down and didn't think about it. Even if you look at my blog postings you would think "they're fine- just eating a lot of ice cream."Then he got back... and I had a luxury I didn't have last month. Courage to process. I processed the fact that had to raise and potty train a feisty 2 year old while working 40 hours a week and hopped up on fertility drugs all by myself. I thought a great deal about my true Working Single Mom friends. I'm not an idiot, I know there is a huge difference between doing it for a month and doing it for your kids lifetime. In fact it is much like saying I understand the pain of someone running a marathon when I ran to the end of my block. But doing it for a month gave me a short peek into that world. And let me tell you ladies. Nothing but respect coming your way!
Below are a few thoughts I don't want to forget now that I have returned to my Working Mom category.
Errands There were several times last month that I had a long day, finally got home, got Charlie to bed and then remembered that I needed something at the store for the next morning. At this point with a daddy around, you run out and get it. The Working Single Mom has the following options 1) wake her up and drag her out and deal with a grump monster for the next 24 hours along with the guilt that you made her stand in line at Walgreens at 10pm. 2) deal with not having it and the guilt that you didn't fulfill you "commitment"... again or 3)leave her in the house alone while you go get it and make the front page of the Post-Dispatch the next morning (obviously ample guilt is attached with this one).
Parties Jacob and I are like a well oiled machine at parties. We have an unspoken 20 minutes on 20 minutes off routine so that one of us is always watching Charlie and one of us is having a relaxing time. One jumps to the food line early and gets a plate so the next can eat directly after and on and on. When you are by yourself... well... your kid sticks their finger in the birthday cake (see previous post).
Fear It made me nervous being alone for so long. I didn't want anyone to know that Jacob wasn't here. I made up a huge story to the guy that mowed our lawn about how my husband was just at the grocery store and I was working outside as part of a "gender role reversal experiment" just so he wouldn't know there wasn't anyone that would know I was dead for a good 24 hours if he killed me. WHAT IN THE WORLD!!! (note: you can usually tell when I am lying because there are way too many ridiculous details)
Guilt The guilt monster chewed on me spit me out and then chewed on me some more. There was guilt at work because I was constantly coming in late, leaving early and dropping balls. There was guilt hearing about the homemade projects made from the fresh organic herbs grown in the backyard as I served chicken nuggets... again. There was guilt that I just simply wasn't enough for her. When there isn't a dad around it becomes apparent that they need one. And when you can't give your kid what they need.... guilt.
Loneliness She goes to bed at 7:30 for heaven's sake. What am I supposed to do all evening while I try and stay up late enough so I will be exhausted and fall asleep fast so I wont go into an empty bed and think about how rough the day was (remember no thinking allowed: I'm German). I have been with Jacob for so long that I think I forgot what lonely feels like. It sucks.
Boiling point When you are in a busy parking lot, running late, you can't find the keys to unlocked the car, it's 120 humid freakin' degrees and your 2 year old is screaming that she wants to "DO MYSELF!!" when you try to put her in the car... its the boiling point. This is where the great parent "hand-off" comes. The "hand-off" is what has kept DFS from visiting our house. But when it is just you and that great tool is gone. You turn into the crazy lady in the parking lot kicking the tires and screaming while shaking her fist at the clouds.
Help So everyone offered to help. My parents even came out for a few days. And I know that if there had been an emergency at 2am, there were probably 10 people I could have called who would have been there in 15 minutes. But you cant ask for help when it is something like, "Could you just make sure that her teeth get brushed every night this month? That would really help me out." I'd ask Jacob that, it would get done, and it would be completely off of my plate. One less thing I would have to think about. It is the build up of things like this that left me overwhelmed and worn out.
Closeness There was a closeness that I felt with Charlotte that I have never ever in my life felt before. It was just the 2 of us. Trying to make it to the next day. Two girls out and about deciding what we wanted to do next. We had a rush of impulsiveness as we would just go and do things, no cross checking schedules that you have to do with anyone over the age of 10. She was my silly little partner in crime and she made me laugh. This is what made it bearable, like all things difficult there are great rewards. We gave each other the only emotional support that we might get that day. And for the most part, it was enough.
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