I see the face, the toes, the nose and still I don't really believe it. Cause you see, I am not "supposed" to get pregnant. I have issues. Actually some pretty major fertility issues, and lots of them, 7 different reasons in fact that medically proclaim I "shouldn't" be able to get pregnant. Charlotte isn't "supposed" to be here either, but after 4 years and countless drugs and surgeries we got her. I tried not to ponder the miracle too deeply, I wanted to just take her and run. But almost immediately thoughts of having another one came... and I had to deal with this issue. Why does God give to some and withhold from others?We tried for 3 years after Charlie, more surgeries, more drugs, and more prayer. Prayer of faith, prayer of determination, prayer of desperation, prayer of confidence in his provision, prayer of solitude, prayer of community... you get the picture. Then after 2 failed IVF's and a new 8th reason why I "shouldn't" get pregnant: my eggs were gone and even with the medication that the Octo-mom was on, the new fancy fertility Dr. couldn't make anymore. I gave up. My body was exhausted after 7 years of cutting and poking and hormone rages, my spirit was finished with the whole stupid emotional ride. I had a great kid, an amazing husband and a wonderful life. I needed to start living it. So I did it... I let go.
For the first time in 7 years I didn't chart, I didn't take a pill, I just got on a plane with my family and headed for the islands. I have to admit, I wasn't even praying for it anymore... but others were. And then it happened, we were walking by a Chinese restaurant in the Miami airport and the smell made me want to throw up. Jacob looked at me, and we knew. We knew that God is bigger than the box we put Him in, we knew that whatever we do is never more than who He is, we finally knew what "in His time, not ours" actually means. All those "shouldn'ts" and "couldn'ts" just weren't as big as He was.
Why did it happen AFTER I gave up? I still don't know, I still don't get it, and I have never been more convinced that God doesn't make sense. And that original question, Why does he give and withhold... even after being apart of the getting, I know less, than I did before. But I do know He is here, I know He is good and I know He listens even when we are too exhausted to keep asking... and really is there anything more to it than that?
Comments
Lisa, thank you for writing such a beautiful example of what's really important. As I read I felt like you were describing our same journey. I hear so many stories about people who get pregnant after they stop trying but they've always just been stories, not real people that I know personally. I'm so very happy for you all.
I can't wait to meet that sweet little baby!!!!
We look forward to hearing about this little one on here and maybe meeting you all some day. Next summer?
Love you!
Carrie
We are thrilled for you guys. Praise God! Much love to you.
I haven't read blogs in almost a year. My family was telling me about this blog and I decided to open it up tonight and read it. This blog has touched my heart. I have to admit that I am sitting here 3 states and 9 hours away from you guys crying so hard I sware you can hear me. I am so incredibly happy for you guys and everything you said in this blog can be said throughout MANY things in life. I struggle ALL of the time with the "what ifs", the "should haves", and with the wonderment in waiting for God to hear my cries. What an absolute blessing your words just conveyed to me. He is listening and it's all about HIS timing. For His timing is perfect. And this child will be perfect for you guys because you guys are relishing in GOD'S timing. Thank you, Lisa for these words of understanding and encouragment. I can't express to you how happy I am that despite all of the setbacks, you have overcome. CONGRATS!!